“See you, you wee maggot, I will pull your limbs off one by one and use them to beat you over the head if you ever speak to me like that again!” Enter as many expletives as you wish depending on your reader preference.
Sky Sports anchor Dave Jones looked back, his eyes wide with fear as he felt his shirt collar tighten with every clench of the Scotsman’s fist.
Football’s legendary hardman had him pinned against the wall of the Sky Sports studio, moments after the broadcast had ended on Saturday evening.
The almost certainly Old Spice scent of the chiselled Scotsman burnt into the ‘Dove for Men’ moisturised super-smooth Jones’ face, eyes and nostrils.
“I’m sorry Graeme, it was just a joke, it wasn’t scripted, I meant nothing by it!” whimpered Jones as he was lifted clean off his feet by his collar, before being released from the vice-like grip to collapse into a heap on the floor.
“Great show guys, good work.” Souness turned and smiled to the production team and crew in the Super Saturday studio, who were all peeking out from behind the shelter of their cameras and sound equipment.
Souness then excused himself from his duties and headed home to his beautiful wife and family for an evening of Netflix and chill – once the grandkids were out the way of course.
Jones meanwhile scrambled to his feet and raced to the safety of his double locked dressing room, where he remained for most of the evening until he could be sure that the Scotsman had left the building.
Now this is not a first-hand witness statement. I wasn’t present in the Sky Sports studio that evening.
It is merely speculation of how the scene played out following the off the cuff comment Jones made in Souness’ direction in the final moments of the broadcast.
Man City surprisingly being held to a 1-1 draw by Southampton had created a minor game of cat and mouse in the studio, with Jones and Souness trying to tease some criticism against the league leaders from club ambassador Richards.
In the last few seconds of the show the former defender eventually admitted his side had ‘not been themselves today’ delivered with his trademark belly laugh and grinning face.
Souness celebrated: “We got him!”
The moment was infectious and the trio laughed their way into Jones’ closing comments where he complimented Richards on ‘one of his best performances’ in hilarious reference to his previous lines.
It was from this high that the smiling host will fall as, giddy from his own charisma, he dropped the all-time clanger of grinning and looking GRAEME SOUNESS in the eye and stating ON LIVE CAMERA “Graeme, you were average as normal.”
You could almost hear the regret and panic in Jones’ voice before the final scyllable made it from his lips and the silence was immediate as even Richards knew the time for laughing had ended.
Why am I thinking of Joe Pesci?
The underwhelming host Jones stumbled into the role of the Sky Sports equivalent to Ron Burgandy following the overdue dismissal of ‘men of a generation’ Richard Keys and Andy Gray.
With obvious fit for the role Jeff Stelling pre-occupied presenting Countdown along with other ventures, it was Jones who found himself inheriting the plumbest job in Premier League broadcasting, on a par with Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker.
This fame and glamour could go to anyone’s head and maybe the Sunderland supporting Jones is ready to take on anyone, on his big stage of the Super Sunday and Monday Night Football studios. “I’m kind of a big deal.”
If he survives whatever Souness decided to do to him then I hope Jones comes back out swinging.
He has already dropped a killer line on Jamie Carragher with his closing seconds of broadcast and now taken on the legendary hardman Souness live on TV.
Anyone else thinking what I’m thinking..?
Keano Keano Keano !!!!
Lifelong fan of the Premier League, looking on from the outside since 1999 waiting for Forest to return to the top table where they belong. Probably get promoted this season.